Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
