i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
