So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
