"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
