life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I just had sex on a roof
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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