I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
