i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
