If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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