turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
