That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
