Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
