she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
