Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
