i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Is Oprah even human
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
