Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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