lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
