The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Still dying that you shit outside
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Randomize
