I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
