i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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