Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
