I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
