Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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