Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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