Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
