we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
