I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
