then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I'm really busy with my period
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