if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book