i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.