I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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