I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
MIDGETS
????
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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