I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
