Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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