she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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