Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
