lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
