That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
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MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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