Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
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