hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
