I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
