upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
