Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
