Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
