Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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