I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
