so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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