There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
