turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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