I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
