I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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