So drunk its hurt
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
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dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
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Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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