as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
