You can't special order awesome
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
