If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
