i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
