Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
