I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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