I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
