Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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