For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
