I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
