Sorry, I don't speak sober.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
